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play: women who talk too much
Felicia Geez
MUSIC: HARD ROCK
V.O.: “The Milhaven Women’s Correctional Prison continues it’s talent night with ...Felicia Geez.
(FELICICA GEEZ, WITH HER RASTAFARIN HAIR-DO, HAT AND LEATHER ACCESSORIES STRUTS ANGERILY ON STAGE.)
Felicia: (MUMBLES A FEW WORDS) Here’s a little something I wrote about the most important thing that happened in my life. I hope you dig it. (SHE THEN INCOHERENTLY TUNES UP HER VOICE, WITH GUTTERAL OFF BEAT FUNNY SOUNDS, AS THE BAND VAMPS UP)
(BAND VAMPS IN KEY OF G)
Verse 1
My goodness you’re back...
Uh huh...
Do you remember my name?...
Remember all that shit you put me through?...
Twenty-three years...
But you’re still my man...
And we’ve still gotta try...
Baby...
You’ve come home before, so do what you always do
And leave your laundry at my bedroom door.
I’ll hand press your shirts with a light spray touch, cause when I
Lift up that hot iron, I feel you so much
Welcome home, big boy
(BAND MODULATES TO KEY OF A FLAT)
Verse 2
Your dirty laundry always kept me frantic...
In the middle of the night...
Whose lipstick stains are these? i screamed...
You said I was uptight...
The iron is set at permanent press...
And I rivet it up to high...
I’m gonna special handle your underwear in a spin cycle from hot to dry.
Oh! I burned that spot... that covers your crotch
Would I hurt your gonads? Well, baby, just a tad
I use the leading laundry additive, new formula Shout
I sent you walking, and I told you to get out.
Well, “get out!”
(BAND MODULATES TO KEY OF A)
Verse 3
You want me to forgive and forget...
That you cheated on me...
Okay, i’ll just scrub it out with detergent...
That’s phosphate free...
Now, you listen to me, big guy...
I’m tough on stains...
I’ll wring you out, and hang you up,
To wash away the pain
Of love notes in your pocket and lipstick on your collar
A condom in your wallet where there should have been a dollar
I took some fabric softener, and some chlorine bleach
(SLOWS DOWN) And put it in your coffee... just within your reach.
(TALKING) I’d like to point out your honor, though i killed a human being,
I’d like to say...in my own defense..that
(SINGS) His underwear was always clean.
(BIG CRESCENDO CLOSING AND BLACK OUT)
MUSIC UP AND FADES UNDER EPILOGUE
EPILOGUE WITH V.O. (SHOWN ON SCREEN OR SET)
Felicia’s performance was spotted by another jailed musician, rapper Blind Lemon Poppy Seed Muffin, who immediately signed her to his record label “Die, Whitey Die!
Her first cd will be released this spring.
It was recorded in the prison laundry, using the sound of the washers and dryers as background noise.
Felicia’s first single, “Killing Him Softly With Fabric Softener” is climbing the charts.
A “Free Felicia” movement has taken root, sponsored by Tide.
Her new line of permanent press men’s underwear goes on sale at participating Wal-Mart stores this spring.
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