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play: women who talk too much
Lady Penelope Askwith III
MUSIC: ARISTOCRATIC AND BRITISH: HAIL BRITAINNIA
V.O.: For it’s premier lecture series, Chapters Book store is proud to present author, Lady Penelope Askwith III.
(ARISTOCRATIC BRITISH WOMAN IN OUTRAGEOUS HAT WITH LONG CIGARETTE HOLDER; “MAGGIE SMITH-ISH” IN APPEARANCE AND MANNERISMS, STANDS IN ABSURD POSES & PONTIFICATES ABOUT CELIBACY.)
Lady Askwith: Celibacy, as you all know, is the state of abstaining from sexual relations, for indefinite periods of time. My name is Lady Penelope Askwith III and I am proud to say, I am a born again virgin! I began to practice celibacy every Saturday afternoon between 2:15 and 4:00 p.m. and I found it worked very well for me. Without all that mucking about in the bed, I could pursue my other passions, which are the royal family... and... finding a cure for snoring. Many of you are here because you are interested in becoming celibate. And I say, jolly good for you. You are in very good company. There are many, many famous celibates: Joan of Arc, Elizabeth Taylor, no, no, no, I mean Queen Elizabeth I, Mahatma Gandhi. Think of Mahat. He never ate and he never had sex and dahlings, he looked wonderful. Just to test his resolve, Mahat, bless his pure soul, would sleep naked with beautiful young women. I’m sure one of them must have whispered in his ear “Have a cookie, Mahat, no one will know.” But with Mahat, it was... No cookie, no nookie!
Now, can you get your virginity back? Absolutely, silly girls. All a woman needs is a good hot bath and cup of strong Earl Grey tea and tah dah... Virginity is yours again. There are many of us out there and I see you all: (SHE PANS AND POINTS TO THE AUDIENCE) recovered sluts, born again nymphomaniacs, and that whole row of hussy housewives. So reclaiming your virginity can be done. And then... undone. And dahlings, trust me, that’s the fun part.
There is a worry, of course, that if everyone were celibate, the whole world would come to an end. Nonsense! Look at the royal family, they’re celibate and they managed to reproduce. Oh! I do adore the royals. People always thought the reason Prince Charles and Princess Diana slept in separate bedrooms was because of Camilla Parker Bowles. Absolutely not! It’s because Charles snored. How do I know this? Just look at him: big ears, big nose and that flapping uvula. So, in hopes of saving Diana’s marriage... along with my own, I took it upon myself to find a cure for snoring. (SALES PITCH) How many of you have fallen madly in love, gotten married and found yourself lying naked next to this: (TAPE RECORDING OF LOUD “GEEZER WHEEZER” SNORING SOUNDS) Those ferocious, disgusting, geezer wheezer sounds are that of my own husband, Goodyear Askwith III. To put a stop to it, I simply took a toilet plunger, slapped it over his face and pumped like hell. This is not a permanent cure, but (SHE SMILES SMUGLY) it does destroy the rhythm. Next you must declare “no sex” in your household until those horrible bodily noises stop. Goodyear, the poor dear, did try to stop snoring and this was the result. (TAPE RECORDING OF LOUD GASPING “SNIFFER WHIFFER” SOUNDS, WHICH REMAIN THROUGH THE NEXT DEMO, THEN THE SNORING STOPS SUDDENLY, AS SHE FINISHES CLANGING THE POTS TOGETHER) He became a sniffer whiffer. I say zero tolerance and up the ante. Grab two iron fry pans, stand spread eagle over his slumbering body and clang them together in a syncopated rhythm to his old goat noises. I guarantee he’ll think twice about ever going to sleep again. I have written a book, (WHICH SHE HOLDS UP) with my tried and true techniques, called “You, Your man and his Uvula”. If Gandhi could bring down the British Empire by being celibate, I know we women together, arms folded, legs crossed, united in a sex free zone, can put an end to snoring. I thank you very much.
MUSIC UP AND FADES UNDER EPILOGUE
EPILOGUE WITH V.O. (SHOWN ON SCREEN OR SET)
Lady penelope never did find a cure for snoring, but the procedures she developed are now being studied as interrogation techniques by law enforcement organizations all over the world.
She is in the guinness book of world records for reclaiming and restoring her virginity, handily beating the old record holder, Doris Day.
She was about to celebrate her 50th wedding anniversary, when her husband, Goodyear, passed away from sleep deprivation. Ironically, he died in his sleep.
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